I have never considered myself pretty ever. In fact until I became Miss. Gitanjali in class 10, I have considered myself ugly. After that I was like, I can't be that ugly, maybe I look normal. I grew up in the most amazing school with the most amazing family and friends who always focused on the one thing I could do well (get good grades) instead of the 100 things I couldn't (look good, play sports, be tall, sing etc. etc.).
Coming to the US was the dream. At first it was intimidating, every girl in my class looked like she stepped out of a magazine. Mansha in her infinite wisdom told me that since everybody looks good, it doesn't matter to guys anymore. I believed it. I was happy. Then I met him. I don't even know how it all went from being lab partner to friend to more than friends. I say "more than friends" because he said he didn't wanna label it by calling me his girlfriend. I am still amazed that I was almost 25 and I didn't chuck him out right then. My roommates finally (literally) threw all his stuff out of the house and said that he can come in if he calls himself my boyfriend and that's how we finally started dating. The fun part was really fun, but then came this whole other experience that I never knew b4. He would always ask me to wait in the car when he went back to his frat for short times. He would look so uncomfortable when any of his frat buddies saw us together. I took it as a challenge and changed everything about how I dressed. From the girl who didn't own make-up, I became the girl who didn't leave home without make up on. I saw Youtube videos that taught me how to tease and curl and wave my hair. I put half my energy into looking good and only half remained for my academic life.
The story should have ended that I got over my insecurity and lived happily ever after. But the truth is, the more I worked on how I looked, the more I could see other flaws. My nails weren't always manicured. Was my skin always this horrible? And somehow, the more I noticed people treating me differently cos I wasn't hot. I would hang out with his friends who always seemed to be mad at me that I wasn't hotter. I went for this concert yesterday and they picked some girls in the crowd to be in the front and my head was screaming at me that I wasn't hot enough to be picked and when I told my head that I didn't care, he voiced the same opinion ("I guess they pick the guys with the hot girls").
I know at 26 I am supposed to be over this high school shit but I feel like I have been exposed to the world in a way I had never seen before. I feel like I have this number on my forehead that labels who I am before people have even exchanged a word with me. I fight it hard everyday. I try to go back to the same shruti who always said that, " I don't need to be pretty, I'm smart". It's a much harder battle that I thought it would be. I've learned that humor is the best defense. I make fun of how unhot I am before he can and it works at least outwardly. But I'm hoping that sometime from now, I can walk into a room without any makeup on and look everybody confidently in the eye and introduce myself. That I can piss every asshole off who thinks that I am not hot enough to be that confident. It is hard to do while hanging out with him. He still will look at me weirdly and I'll know he's checking some flaw when he says, "when was the last time you tweezed your eyebrows". Ughhhh.... I am smart not pretty bitch!
P.S. Since you probably know who I am talking about, he is a great guy who probably has a million positive traits. I am just talking about the one trait that impacted me negatively.
Coming to the US was the dream. At first it was intimidating, every girl in my class looked like she stepped out of a magazine. Mansha in her infinite wisdom told me that since everybody looks good, it doesn't matter to guys anymore. I believed it. I was happy. Then I met him. I don't even know how it all went from being lab partner to friend to more than friends. I say "more than friends" because he said he didn't wanna label it by calling me his girlfriend. I am still amazed that I was almost 25 and I didn't chuck him out right then. My roommates finally (literally) threw all his stuff out of the house and said that he can come in if he calls himself my boyfriend and that's how we finally started dating. The fun part was really fun, but then came this whole other experience that I never knew b4. He would always ask me to wait in the car when he went back to his frat for short times. He would look so uncomfortable when any of his frat buddies saw us together. I took it as a challenge and changed everything about how I dressed. From the girl who didn't own make-up, I became the girl who didn't leave home without make up on. I saw Youtube videos that taught me how to tease and curl and wave my hair. I put half my energy into looking good and only half remained for my academic life.
The story should have ended that I got over my insecurity and lived happily ever after. But the truth is, the more I worked on how I looked, the more I could see other flaws. My nails weren't always manicured. Was my skin always this horrible? And somehow, the more I noticed people treating me differently cos I wasn't hot. I would hang out with his friends who always seemed to be mad at me that I wasn't hotter. I went for this concert yesterday and they picked some girls in the crowd to be in the front and my head was screaming at me that I wasn't hot enough to be picked and when I told my head that I didn't care, he voiced the same opinion ("I guess they pick the guys with the hot girls").
I know at 26 I am supposed to be over this high school shit but I feel like I have been exposed to the world in a way I had never seen before. I feel like I have this number on my forehead that labels who I am before people have even exchanged a word with me. I fight it hard everyday. I try to go back to the same shruti who always said that, " I don't need to be pretty, I'm smart". It's a much harder battle that I thought it would be. I've learned that humor is the best defense. I make fun of how unhot I am before he can and it works at least outwardly. But I'm hoping that sometime from now, I can walk into a room without any makeup on and look everybody confidently in the eye and introduce myself. That I can piss every asshole off who thinks that I am not hot enough to be that confident. It is hard to do while hanging out with him. He still will look at me weirdly and I'll know he's checking some flaw when he says, "when was the last time you tweezed your eyebrows". Ughhhh.... I am smart not pretty bitch!
P.S. Since you probably know who I am talking about, he is a great guy who probably has a million positive traits. I am just talking about the one trait that impacted me negatively.
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